My Midlife Crisis

by Thaddeus Spae

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1.
He never got a letter for his sweater He didn't understand the game and if they could would have put "least likely to succeed" beside his name he barely got to graduate, His memory soon faded from the halls but in his secret dreams he swore That someday he'd return to show them all But trapped inside his mansion he's lost touch with everyone he ever knew with nothing left to prove and no one left to prove it to He went out for the evening with his buddies Just to show her who's the boss he'd had it up to here with her complaining and he told her to get lost a little beer and pizza and a lap dance wouldn't do him any harm and if she didn't like it he was sure he could rely upon his charm But later that same evening as he looked around his empty home he knew he had nothing left to prove and no one left to prove it to We gaze out from the high ground at the enemies who hate the way we live we will not shrink before them we will not forget and we will not forgive no others shall usurpt our rightful place we will obliterate our foe and to overcome there is no depth or distance to which we will not go But in the bloody darkness at the end what will the last man standing do with nothing left to prove and no one left to prove it to
2.
NEW BALL AND CHAIN Well I walked past hardware store yesterday could not believe what they had to say they said c’mover here boy don’t be shy we got the latest thing give it a try C’mere boy n getcherself a ball n chain They had fullpage ads in the evening news and thirty second spots on the radio too they had every billboard they could get and every time I walk past a tv set They were reachin out to fit me with a ball n chain They got family discounts if you want it they’ll give you term insurance on it they got eight designer colors And if that ain’t enough you can get your initials engraved Right on the cuff I went back home and went to bed tried to put the whole thing outta my head but late at night deep in my dreams I hear the clanking and I hear the screams They say look out boy they’re comin with your ball n chain
3.
I'm cuttin up my plastic it's goin out the door I'm cuttin up my plastic don't need it anymore I'm cuttin up my plastic with a great big pair of shears I'm cuttin up my plastic I ain't felt this rich in years good gawd But I don't need no currency cause I don't feel no urgency I'm safe as houses all I need Is my debit credit card my debit credit card my debit credit credit debit debit credit card I'm cuttin up my plastic I'm givin it up for good I'm cuttin up my plastic just like I said I would I'm cuttin up my plastic what more is there to say I'm cuttin up my plastic and I'm throwing it away good gawd But I don't need to work a lot to pay for all the stuff I bought I'm cool as long as I still got my debit credit card... I'm cuttin up my plastic I cut the apron strings I'm cuttin up my plastic I don't owe it a thing I'm cuttin up my plastic there's no place it can hide I'm cuttin up my plastic I'm committing plasticide good gawd But I don't need to sweat n sin to break some pickle jar I'm in I'm balancing my yang and yin with my debit credit card...
4.
I got no sense of history when it comes to math I can't so I packed my lunch and went to work at the sewage treatment plant the sewage treatment plant I put on rubber waders And leakproof underpants and I held my nose and a pressure hose at the sewage treatment plant I never go to the movies cause I know in advance eventually they play for free at the sewage treatment plant And all those fine young ladies that make the boys all pant they send their photographs to me at the sewage treatment plant Now god sees every sparrow and every bee and ant and then he sends them all to me at the sewage treatment plant I figure I'm a lucky guy within my circumstance I guess I've got bout everything at the sewage treatment plant So study hard you kiddies but if by chance you can't there's Room for one more behind the doors of the sewage treatment plant
5.
Saw a babe on broadway styling all the rage she was minding her business I was feeling my age I'm old enough to know better older than I've ever been I thought I was over my midlife crisis But here it comes again I don't watch leno don't dig his show I drive a car like my daddy had half a lifetime ago I used to hate what he stood for but now I look just like him I thought I was over my midlife crisis But here it comes again I got no compunctions at my ambiguity all my good old buddies grew up twice as ugly as me There's a part that's still 18 somewhere inside of me but all of the rest of my body is outta warranty and when I look in the mirror all I can see is my skin I thought I was over my midlife crisis but here it comes again
6.
03:51
7.
03:53
Gimme a genius grant don't even tell me you can't I could sure use it doncha refuse it gimme a genius grant I got 740 on my SAT gimme a genius grant I never bought an SUV gimme a genius grant I got 98.6 degrees from big mail order universities I do my own taxes just as slick as you please gimme a genius grant Gimme a genius grant don't even tell me you can't you got the clover hand the check over gimme a genius grant I play any instrument you might like gimme a genius grant I can ride a 12 speed mountain bike gimme a genius grant I rebuilt the carburator on my car never had a duI so far I can set the timer on my VCR gimme a genius grant Gimme a genius grant don't even tell me you can't sign it and seal it don't make me steal it gimme a genius grant And I know what a woman wants I know what a child sees I don't watch the evening news and I speak fluent lawyerese Gimme a genius grant...
8.
01:08
9.
03:44
Tyrannosaurus rex on a rampage walkin down the street just like you he don't flash you no peace sign he just bites you in two Tyrannosaurus rex got the munchies over in dinosaur park little pebbles flintstone never stood a chance shouldna let her out after dark It's a dinosaur world and they're here to stay it's a dinosaur world have a dinosaur day Tyrannosaurus rex got ambitious tired of the stock on hand caught him a tour bus to aniheim got a job at disneyland Tyrannosaurus rex got drafted they sent him overseas to advise he ate up all the civilians they gave him the nobel prize It's a dinosaur world and they're making it pay it's a dinosaur world have a dinosaur day Tyrannosaurus rex in the white house Tyrannosaurus rex On the moon Tyrannosaurus rex In congress Barney's grown up too soon Tyrannosaurus rex is my idol I got them dinosaur blues I'm lookin for a dinosaur cutie walkin in them dinosaur shoes It's a dinosaur world just get out of their way it's a dinosaur world have a dinosaur day
10.
Last time I looked it was all the same god's in his heaven and the world's aflame politicians runnin the same ol game everybody lookin for money n fame I'm a singer songwriter I'm a trained observer I'm a singer songwriter I'm a process server I'm a singer songwriter I may be etherial but I never run outta material Men need women and women need men they hurt each other again and again they fight and they cheat, they leave n they lie they break their hearts and wonder why why why I'm a singer songwriter I'm a lover n a loser I'm a singer songwriter I'm a substance abuser I'm a singer songwriter I may be dramatic but my basement is up in your attic Know what sayin? Didn't think so Can't win a bet with a singer songwriter he's too cool to be wrong can't win a fight with a singer songwriter he'll just put you in a song Serves you right... Nothing's real and everything's fake hope is a joke and life's a mistake record companies won't give you a break you don't like my songs go jump in the lake I'm a singer songwriter I'm a one in a million I'm a singer songwriter I'm a hero and a villain I'm a singer songwriter I call em like I see em and my head belongs in a museum Who writes this stuff anyway? Oh yeah that would be me...
11.
04:00
(ch) well it's hot on the left cold on the right I'm trying to get my remod done well it's hot on the left cold on the right I'm trying to get my remod done Well my home was out of order and it needed a fix tryin to get my remod done but if I knew what was coming I'd have just said nix tryin to get my remod done well I thought I could repair just a thing or two tryin to get my remod done but now I'm sleeping in a corner and living in a zoo tryin to get my remod done (ch) Gonna put in a window let in some light tryin to get my remod done and move the whole bathroom a little to the right tryin to get my remod done picking out tile but I dunno what for tryin to get my remod done cause I gotta do the ceiling before I do the floor tryin to get my remod done (ch) Well I went to a party and everybody there was singin Tryin to get my remod done eatin sheetrock canapes and drinkin perrier tryin to get my remod done well I still don't know all the steps to this dance tryin to get my remod done and when I get done I gotta refinance tryin to get my remod done (ch)
12.
04:45
Life is so much better with a shotgun wouldn't it be great if everybody got one? Folks are so much nicer to a shotgun make the world a better place don't leave home without one Doggies always bark and scatter feces why not take a thirty ought and blow them all to pieces children are such irritating creatures why not use a twelve-gauge to rearrange their features? If you have a problem with your neighbor you can let a cartridge take the place of good behavior you can use ballistics as persuasion fly them full choke airlines on a permanent vacation Don't debate with someone else's story just reply with buckshot and you'll leave em limp and gory you don't have to back up your position if you just remember to bring extra ammunition
13.
02:33
(ch) Jesus Christ made Seattle under protest he got the job done he did his best Jesus Christ made Seattle under protest we made trouble He did the rest Ain't no angels in the city of the angels ain't no babes in the city by the bay they felt the earth move they saw the firestorm they packed their cars and they drove away (ch) Here in the northland we live under water we never see dry land anymore greet each other behind our face masks wave our fins and swim for shore (ch)
14.
05:25
(babababa babababa babababa babababa) Winter turns to summertime this alone is real still I find that I'm inclined to reinvent the wheel punk parades and porn arcades wait to make a deal but al they do is sucker you and reinvent the wheel And like the swallows and macarthur I return just to see how many replays I can earn and I'm amazed at all the stuff that I learn the umpteenth time around (babababa babababa babababa babababa) Landlords raise the rent for days farmers raise a meal teachers raise the price of praise and reinvent the wheel sexy clothes and tv shows change the way I feel make me sick and heal me quick and reinvent the wheel And like the swallows and macarthur I return just to see how many bridges I can burn and I'm amazed at all the stuff that I learn the umpteenth time around Have a good time at the playground ride the wheel round and round and round... Lovers play their hearts away lost beyond appeal wipe their eyes and zip their flies and reinvent the wheel matter arcs in cosmic sparks galaxies reveal take their place in time and space and reinvent the wheel And like the swallows and macarthur I return just to see how many replays I can earn and I'm amazed at all the stuff that I learn the umpteenth time around (babababa babababa babababa babababa)

about

T Spae contemplates his legacy and complains about his history in this assortment of styles, instruments and subject matter. Does what it says on the tin.

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released June 15, 2003

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Thaddeus Spae Seattle, Washington

A 40-year veteran of the Folk Wars, Thaddeus Spae has played venues from Tipitina's to the EMP. He's an award-winning songwriter whose works range from quirky to literate, guardedly sentimental to outraged and sarcastic, performed on a panoply of instruments acoustic and electric, in a profligate variety of styles encompassing folk, hard rock, jazz, blues, electronic and more. Website: tspae.com. ... more

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